I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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