I skipped work to stalk him.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
