I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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