I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
