somebody snuck up and got me drunk
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
bring money and cleavage
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
