mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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