remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
