Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
