Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
