All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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