i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
