im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
