I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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