Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
