you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
