literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
