Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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