When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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