He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
