I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
