My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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