Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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