I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i need an iv and a liver transplant
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
