why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Success! We fucked roommates!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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