Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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