I met the friendliest cop last night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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