Someone shit on the floor
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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