Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
