i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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