It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
