Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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