She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
