Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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