When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize
