Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
