i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
