whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
