Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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