Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
