.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
