does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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