I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
