"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
