Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
