I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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