i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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