we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
