Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
