I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
