I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
