Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
