I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
