The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
and she was petting her beer can
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
