barbara walters just said penis...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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