It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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