I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
