There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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