I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
