Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
